Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
