So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
