Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
