We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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