does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
