Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
