She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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