The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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