Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Randomize
