So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
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Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
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Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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