I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
