you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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