i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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