He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
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Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
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It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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