Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
