I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
