I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
