Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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