this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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