Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
