I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
