Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
