how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
