i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
