I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
