Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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