Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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