I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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