Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
