i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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