The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Someone shattered a urinal.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
