Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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