There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
