fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
