I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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