I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
