I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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