This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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