Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
