No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
