I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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