I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
