we made out on top of his cat.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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