It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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