its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
