all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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