New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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