??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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