Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
