I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The adults are the big ones right?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
