also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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