Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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