my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
