Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm eating all of the evidence.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
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I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
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I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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