she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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