there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
